The way you and I remember the dead, especially our family members is often more lofty than when they We All Inherit Character Traits Good, Bag, Ugly. Work On Your List.were alive on earth.
We tend to see the good points we enjoyed, loved and miss most.
The rest of their faults, sins, mistakes are dismissed.
Free to go, escorted to the door or dimmed in our thinking.
In history, all Presidents, Kings, Queens or notable standouts were not pure white like the driven snow.
Since they were all human, none were without the scarlet red stain caused by sin for all to see.
We are made to experience, account for our mistakes, and weather the set backs, tough patches in life for a reason. To improve so the quality of life for us, others in it does too.
And as a shiny example for our kids, our mate, the community and world around us. In this temporary place that is a very short training grounds for eternity spent in a location yet to be determined.
Our parents are supposed to be our role models.
But there does come a time in your life when you don’t just see them as Mom and Dad. If you are so lucky to have enjoyed living parents. And know who they are, where they are if you do. When you from time to time reflect on your parents by their God given names John and Mary Lou in my case, you see them from a different more honest light. And see you as them when childhood events unfold. Spend some time in their moccasins, experience why they did or did not do what you thought was best at the time. Before logging this many miles away upon follow up review looking back reflection.
Understanding, wisdom, valuable experiences come only with the passage of time.
Is not vending machine quick, coin slot delivered. And the partnership your parents had was a summation of first their childhood. What they brought in to the marriage for the good, bad and the ugly. And the rock polishing, refinement of life’s up and down process the two of them needed to both improve.
What one lacked in character in one regard, the other was well stocked in.
Heard, sensed the cue to come in, assume leadership to take up the slack. Address the issue as the alpha male or female called for at the time. Because both trusted each other, knew each other, and for the common good of the two, it was the logical rhythm of the marriage, union’s harmony.
Wouldn’t you agree that most people in the world are well intentioned? Having beating hearts with a spirit seeking peace, greater love to bask in with harmony the goal? Wanting solutions rather than to create turmoil, chaos, pain if they can just figure out how? Then sometimes looking at your parents honestly, or having a mate you trust help in discussions can reveal see the source of why fuller peace and greater love are not so easy to achieve. We learn just as much from our parents short falls as illustrations and guidance on where we need to improve, areas we need to work on.
Without getting defensive, you see, understand where one parent came up short in a few departments and that you used to just leave it alone.
Not discuss. But you can not, should not skip around the exercise or feel defensive, disloyal. Working on that draw back does not threaten your overall love for the person under the microscope. Because the truth will set you free. It turns lights on when you are in the dark without a German Sherperd, a white cane. And you are looking at part of yourself, the product of the best, missing or worst that your parents provided you with from the best of intentions. We all have limitations to work on. And will not improve, find greater happiness in life with others until we find it within ourselves first.
Help with understanding, explanation of why earlier events in your relationship with them unfolded the way they did. As you balance it out with credit due for where they got high marks in other areas. You can not like or enjoy a trait, tendency in a loved one without stopping the love for them. If you take accept the whole person as overall good intentioned, with valuable other traits, tendencies.
You and I inherit traits, tendencies that prohibit, impede us from peace in our relationships.
And seek the unlocking key for the sweet passage moving us closer to our loved ones. If your mate said your Dad tended to judge people as good or bad. To quickly categorized them like the same process standing at a potato grading table in the spud storage house. It does not mean they think the person is all bad, off with their head. Or to stop loving them and serve as a cue for you to run to the defense of the parent. Because when you don’t consider the pearl of wisdom they just shared, you are performing the same “you’re in, you’re out”, good or bad judgement sorting.
And it does not mean now is a good time to point out a flaw on the other side of the in laws. Held up your sleeve like a fifth Acre in the card game to drop at the appropiate time for a little tit for tat, how does it feel reaction.
Developing open mindedness, knowing we are all prone to making quick judgements about another person without all the facts is a vital start in our new way of thinking.
Basing your opinion on a person with absolute certainty but missing experiences, many interactions with that person might filter, color your thumbnail sketch of the individual. Just arriving at a conclusion with other people’s remarks is dangerous too. With the microwave quick thinking concluding the total person is overall good or bad. No shades of gray for you, just black or white. Based on just your own world view, perspective which is pretty limited.
It can all make for a small room of trusted friends, family and associates as someone hands you a scepter and a lead goblet not containing milk or honey but bitter tasting vinegar. And puts you on a pedestal throne that is exposed to the harsh north wind of isolation, a prison of your own making.
When you one by one acknowledge your weak points, the areas needing daily attention to improve and enhance, it leaves less time and removes the desire to study, judge others. The need to point out everything that is wrong with them should change focus, shifting your eyes to your own inventory clip board of items you humbly create. The areas you ask God to help you with that need serious daily attention. And are life long exercises as we stretch, grow, improve.
When you are a new born child, brought in to a warm healthy loving Maine home, the world revolves around that precious package wrapped in baby sized pink or blue blankets.
People you meet in public toting your bundle of joy for all to see start to coo. Their voice raised an octave or two. Strange, exotic new ways of talking happen as they crowd around for a peek, look see.
Suddenly a shift to new alphabet of letters introduced to create special unique forms of speech. Communication in shorthand, morse code, index glowing finger up ET fashion. Kids and small new born animals have that effect on people.
Pure, new, smelling like A and D, Desitin ointments and products made by Johnson and Johnson. Near and dear words in your life like “woosie” (small horse) and expressions they use become yours like “last time” said in a small toddlers vocabulary tone. Speech patterns that anyone outside your circle raises an eyebrow and wonders what in the world you are talking about. And what’s so funny or going on? Its all about kids when you are lucky enough to have any. It’s hooskerdo fireworks excitement, wonderment. Kicking Wing had the right idea. Did not give up.
In my life I have been blessed with four children of my own and the opportunity to blend in two more bright, sharp, articulate children.
As a kid I knew I wanted to be a parent, to have children of my own to raise, instruct, enjoy. To prepare them for the wild bumper car “thrill a minute” experience ahead of them at the amusement park with the neon sign glaring harshly over the entrance to the ride called “Life”.
There are many twists and turns, sudden grind to a stop bumps on this life ride. Coming at you from all directions. So keep your hands and arms inside the car compartment at all times. We are in this round and round circular journey together. Maybe alone inside our car but at least not unprotected. Sitting.. it gliding on the steel mixed with iron floor.The sparks sputtering overhead from the electrified wire grid that is the source of all our power. Until it stops. And you are asked to exit from the opposite side of where you came in. Don’t get out, stay in the car.
Theologians can argue if that swaddling clothed baby mentioned above is brought in to the world pure as the white driven snow.
Or born in to sin marked with imperfection because we are mere mortals. Beginners of wet, goopy balls of clay on a potters wheel ready for shaping, forming, detailing. To become useful pitchers, vessels, cups that runneth over. Able to retain fluid, filled with joy, kindness, peace, and most important of all love and respect. For something outside of ourselves.
It is not about you, it is about others. Our successes are not just ours alone. Because more than one bumper car on that ride. We are not, or should not be alone. Needing constant improvement and to be humble, grateful and never comfortable. As we strive to learn more about the bigger picture, the quality of life that involves others. I am glad I live in Maine where the number of “others” around me is much smaller.
In a small Maine town, we need each other and are tighter knit, caring than being raised in a big populated state.
We are connected growing up together that a new out of state person coming in to it missed. Especially if from a large urban area. Not the same bumper car ride. We picked potatoes as kids for our winter jacket. We attended church, heck I took organ lessons at one with Greta White, my childhood piano teacher.
You are much more aware of others in a small Maine town. I remember as a single full time Dad being at a spring parks and rec soccer game with the kids all around seven years old. And seeing a lady on the aluminum bleachers, head on one hand supported by her knee, held low. Watching her daughter hustle hard but looking so sad, very tired, unhappy. You don’t know what folks have been through if you are wrapped up in your own problems. I knew the mother only because her sister had married a first cousin that I later sold a house for as they moved to the Bangor area. I thought I need to reach out, lend a sympathetic ear.
My heart hurt from just that look, visible pain as our kids chased the soccer ball around the Just For Kids playing field with mouth guards and shin guards in place.
I wanted to shield this lady that I did not know from any more pain or suffering. Much much later, I ended up marrying this “County girl” who too picked potatoes, understood well the simple living in Aroostook. Had munched the same Sadie’s Bakery donuts, enjoyed the same flavor HFD ice cream sundaes. And then I made a terrible mess, botched up the blending of her two with my four kids.
Room for improvement, how many in the room in this class, raise your hands for a head count. Oohh, big class. High divorce rates happen for many reasons because of the overbooked, pace of life we lead. But also because if the person we are with and you quarrel, there is a thinking a new and improved mate is what’s needed. Will fix the ills that leave from one marriage and follow you in to the second and more if you don’t just sit in that shielded, protective bumper car. Slumped low in the seat, taking a deep breath. Then pondering, considering what is going on here. What’s my mission and how do I help or hurt the process? Taking ownership for my role in the good, bad and the ugly. You need that other person.
Happiness is an inside job of being grateful and not having others define you as having very few redeeming qualities.
You and I have lots of goodness, well intentioned “hearts in the right place” purpose. The secret is when you meet someone willing to share all their baggage they carry and add to along the way, is to realize change happens with you and me, not the other person when life’s rough spots happen. Those set backs are not time to get off the ride and head for the exit. To repeat the same mistake of running, hiding and looking for another to fix the stuck in the groove skipping music cause by the diamond tip riding on vinyl.
There is a time to grow up, admit you and I are a big part of the problem. It adds to the confusion if other well intention family members have their spin on what you should do. And march in to your home, finger pointing, wagging and say do this, do that right now. Driving your own bumper car has to happen. Because it is your life and divorce just adds extra layers to the make it foggy, confusing to maneuver and see the right path to take today.
I think listening to God’s whisper that becomes a shout if you ignore him is the start for peace, contentment and patience that our drive through society struggles with.
Then the mate you chose that you can trade hearts with and protect needs to be listened to, loud and clear. The communication of what’s wrong when silence happens and they retreat or shut down needs to be opened. Rather than hurt defensive hiding, opening up and trusting that what they need to say is what the other needs to be more sensitive to, for understanding the what is going on. Not shutting down, getting hurt, defensive, bitter or harboring deep resentment. The looking for a brand new blank etch o sketch that starts out clean, new and different. Don’t skip out, dig deep and stay put.
I get on my knees, need to stay there and ask for help in becoming better, for understanding.
And knowing I have something good in me that someone else sees, needs. We all need cheerleaders to uncover and bag balm our insecurities. As we lick our life wounds. And that lovingly will help with the clay forming defining me process on that potter’s wheel. To have a hand I trust, believe in as part of the low RPM shaping wheel turns, spins. Then I in turn am called on, needed to do the same with a mate as we grow, learn, explore our purpose in life together.
In small Maine towns, the whole village has a hand in that refinement process. The polishing of rough edges we all carry. To repair the cracks, accept the blemishes. But sometimes smack dab in the middle of trying to juggle it all, the important keys points are missed. Your hurt and feeling sorry for yourself selfishness kept you from realizing what you need to do too late for the person you should be living your life with.The one that God brought, provided for a supernatural love answer to your prayers. Delivered to you, entrusted as the precious one to share, learn and care together.
Side by side in one bumper car, not apart in two alone in the dark.
I’m no angel. But let me start a fire with the spark in our hearts. And keep it from going out. I don’t know all the words, but Momma told me as I sat beside her as her young son that some day I’d realize that “I’m a simple man“. Some day is here. A simple man, that’s the kind, all I am.
Maine, the place to come to figure it out because less people, more wide open space to think, ponder, and improve happens every day in Vacationland.
